Durham v Sussex – match report

D Charlton writes:

Because I was on holiday in Italy, I couldn’t go to the game. And, despite Michael Di Venuto scoring lots of runs for Durham this season, the Italians aren’t very good at giving the score.

But there are lots of cathedrals and big churches, so I thought it wouldn’t be a problem. These places always have the answer to everything. All I had to do was ask.

I’m not massively into God, so I thought I’d just go up and knock. They have huge doors these cathedrals – I figured it’d be okay.

So, to find out who had won the toss, I went to the Basilica di Santa Croce in Florence.

Dear Italy

That’s me by the door.

And knocked.

Regarding your many churches and cathedrals

No answer. Not to worry, I’m sure I’ll find somewhere else.

The next day I came to Santa Maria di Provenzano in Siena and knocked again – maybe the rain had stopped by now.

I was very disappointed with

Still no answer. What is the point in having such big doors if you never use them?

Then to the Duomo in Pienza. Same big doors, same gracious knock, same blank scoreline. I figured it wasn’t going Durham’s way.

the service they offered

At least the Santa Maria Assunta in Montepulciano seemed less pretentious.

in terms of providing me with county cricket scores

Nothing.

Finally, I decided to go home to find the score. I packed my bag (you can see it), tried one last cathedral – Basilica di Santa Maria Novella in
Florence.

Please see to it that this never happens again

No reply. I left Italy.

Does religion really have any answers?

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16 Appeals

  1. Brilliant!

    One thing that sticks out from my trip to Rome last year is the heart of a saint, in yet another church, kept in a little crystal globule (heart-shaped, naturally) surrounded by about a hundredweight of finely worked gold.

    The heart was old and grey and manky-looking.

    Eueew.

  2. Perhaps you should have tried the doorbell?

  3. excellent use of CAPTIONS there big fella.

    And also, great report, though D Charlton, you seemed determined to ruin it by trying to find out about cricket. Thankfully the Italian ecclesiastic tradition of nil denuntiatio emolumentum did not fail us.

    (Does this allow html tags?)

  4. I hate when people have a fake facebook pic, you told me you were a natural blonde.

  5. Natural STRAWBERRY blonde. Ginger to others.

    Autumn colouring to my mum.

  6. Did you not ask Siena Cathedral? Well you’ve only got yourself to blame, then.

    I like your door-knocking theme, but am disappointed by the total lack of photos using perspective to give the appearance of you hilariously squishing big buildings with your thumb.

  7. I’m disappointed to find out that you’re not a robotic dog, but delighted that you had marvellous time banging in Italy.

  8. that is the worst match report I’ve ever read.

    and halfway through the day you change clothes. what sort of man are you?

  9. I was scared away by the gothic facade at Siena’s cathedral, i have to admit. All those gargoyles… Reminded me too much of Brad Hogg.

    Thank you Mel…

    And there are no door bells anywhere in Italy, Price. Anywhere. It’s a well-known fact in all the guidebooks: “Always knock, you’ll never find the doorbell, because there aren’t any in Italy. Anywhere. Just huge doors, to compensate for the diminutive stature of all Italian males.” (Lonely Planet, Italy).

  10. You have EXACTLY hit on why I feel no urge to visit Italy Doug – bloody great mass of old churches and teeny tiny men and a distinct lack of cricketers. Rubbish country – next discussion – why bother with Greece?

  11. Greece is a GREAT place from which to write King Cricket match reports! KC, you should have an equivalent of “smugshots” to see who can do a match report from the most exotic location.

  12. What counts as an exotic location?

  13. A little known fact is that the term Ceefax originally stood for “Cathedral Facts”, as people would go to these cathedrals to ask for the latest on just about anything.

    It seems ludicrous to me that the original Ceefax is no longer doing county cricket scores.

    Sorry if I sound old-fashioned, but this is just one more example of falling standards.

    And the relgious authorities wonder why church attendances are on the decrease. Wake up and smell the coffee, guys!

  14. Genius, Ladd. Genius.

    And true. So true.

  15. I never realised Ceefax had such grand origins. Presumably teletext came during the Reformation? I believe it was cricket scores that Martin Luther pinned to the catherdral doors.

  16. Your missus has the same problem as me dOUGLAS. She can never get a straight line in a photo. I took over thirty photos of the cathedral in Firenze, and not one was straight. Thankfully, photo editing software does that for me know, so most of my photos don’t look as though I’m shitfaced.

    Alas, the ones I appear in, usually do.

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