England batsmen rack up team scores each

Not shit, but not cured eitherAlastair Cook, 52. What a Herculean effort. Ordinarily, you’d need 11 men to  get anywhere near a score like that.

Owais Shah, 57. It’s a number beyond counting. We don’t know how many noughts 57 has, but it must be nearly a million. It’s the biggest number we’ve ever heard of.

Andrew Strauss, 169. This is, quite literally, more runs than have ever been scored in the history of cricket. It’s more runs than there are atoms in France – and France is chock-full of atoms at the minute.

England would have lost a match against a single, blind narhwal last week. This week they’re unbelievable and should have their DNA preserved for posterity.

There is no way we are overreacting about this. Nor have we overreacted about poor performance in the past. Measuring a side’s worth by how many runs they scored in their most recent innings is the most scientific approach there is and gives 100% accurate results.

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6 Appeals

  1. Are you sure that shouldn’t be a Bollinger 150,000 percent?

  2. 57’s pretty poor for Shah – I reckon he needed at least a triple hundred to keep his place.

  3. Shah’s 57 should be wiped from the record due to the utter stupidity of his dismissal.

    If stupidity was to be measured, it would be measured in runs, and Shah’s stupidity is worth exactly 57 of them.

    Mike Gatting is still on minus 573 after his 1987 World Cup reverse sweep.

  4. Shah has ADHD – he was always going to get out like that.

  5. And he chews gum while batting, which at my school would have got you a straight detention.

  6. So Andrew Strauss described the pitch as “spicy” huh? Does that mean he’d require some tissues and lassi whenever he tucks into a korma?

    The big girl.

    Note that I wouldn’t normally enclose the word “spicy” in quotes…it’s just that that seems to be the done thing in cricket journalism these days.

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