England v South Africa at the Oval – a match report

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Before you read this, we’d just like to make one thing abundantly clear about the sickening content that follows. King Cricket in no way encourages you to contact, meet or socialise with other readers of the site as it flies in the face of our whole philosophy.

In fact, it’s probably for the best if you steer clear of any kind of contact with anybody, on the off chance that whoever it is might once have read something here.

For the record, when we raised this issue with the reporter, she threw the phrase ‘social glue’ directly at us.

We would have rather she had thrown a poisoned piece of excrement with a shuriken inside.

Anyway, Miriam writes:

I present a report of my four days at the Oval test, set out thematically.


There was rain on each day, but the only day that was properly rain-ruined was Saturday. The other days were very much: umbrella up – umbrella down; sunglasses on – sunglasses off; jacket on – jacket off.


On Thursday I took two kinds of sandwiches: (1) coronation chicken, and (2) turkey, cheese and crispy bacon. On the rest of the days, I meant to make sandwiches but was in too much of a rush. On Monday night I threw away the leftover coronation chicken, turkey, and bacon.

Almost every evening, I had pizza for dinner. I always crave pizza after going to the cricket.


I spent time with the following bloggy people:

Jrod, Suave, Sarah Comma Canterbury, Mark Reverse Swing, 668 Neighbour of the Beast.

I also met a man who had a far better pedicure than me, with silver toe polish. I had to curl my toes away from him in shame.

On Sunday I attended with friends called Katie and Katy, whom you may remember from this beauteous thing.


Clothes that I wore included my cricketwithballs T-shirt, and a top saying “CRICKET LOVELY CRICKET” in pink, extremely sparkly lettering. I was two seats away from the sightscreen and was worried that the sparkle would distract the batsmen. If anyone who sees me at the cricket would like to tell me that they like the T-shirt, but are worried that I will accuse them of inappropriately looking at my breasts, don’t worry, I’m not so much of a feminazi that I can’t take a compliment about my T-shirt.

The changeable weather played absolute havoc with my hair.

I discovered that my handbag was a perfect size and shape for the cricket, as you could upend it and put it on the floor without disturbing any of your neighbours.

Next time I’m going to take in a sticky plastic hook (or a suction hook) for the back of the seat in front of me, to hang up my handbag and jacket.


Mike Gatting wasn't receiving the King Cricket email when he dropped that ludicrously easy chance against India in 1993.


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  1. I’m sorry I missed the CRICKET LOVELY CRICKET pink sparkly lettering top, though I suspect I might have coveted that. I did see the cricketwithballs t-shirt and liked that very much, though I don’t believe I commented on it. That was an oversight, so sorry Mims!

    I certainly envied my friend, Jim, his orange cagoule (my own little showerproof jacket proved inadequate), despite the fact it made him look a bit like Tango Man.

    The rain played havoc with my hair too. Pah to the rain.

  2. Not the game that’s being remembered Jrod but the fashion and the social intercourse. Far more memorable

  3. Great at social intercourse and can remember it – that’s us Jrod!

    I wouldn’t worry about sparkly tops v sightscreens Miriam – what with the increasing amount of on field jewellery sported by current players. After Antigua who knows what Middlesex and England will be adorned with?

  4. I´m terribly sorry I missed the intercourse. It seems you had lots of fun, despite the rain, the hair, the food, and some wardrobe malfunctions.
    Being a fan of Henry “Blowers” Blofeld, I am, however, missing some information. What about the fauna? Any avifauna at all, noticeably ignoring cricket? And what about the air traffic, either with jet engines or propellers? These are key ingredients for a comprehensive understanding of the situation.

  5. The BetFair Blimp/Airship (whatever it’s called) went over, Pablo. I have a photo of that. Can’t remember seeing any pigeons though.

    I’m pretty certain JRod WAS wearing thongs. He had 3/4 length combats on, too, which had a very handy pocket for transporting his notebook.

    I remember things like that.

  6. I didn’t notice any birds particularly [on the day I was there]. This could have been that they were so disinterested in international cricket that they stayed away in droves?

    I might not have been paying as much attention as usual – what with the company and the on field thing that is Harris and his hair.

  7. I read that, SarahCanterbury, as “Jrod WAS wearing a thong” and I wondered if it was the absence of VPL that gave it away. I expect the King wears much stouter underwear with a discreet royal emblem somewhere

  8. I will take more care with what i wear in future, i didn’t realise D Charlton and S Canterbury were so interested in my clothing.

  9. I can’t say I set out that day with the intention of analysing your attire as such, JRod – it was just that a comment was made at the time about you wearing thongs* and you actually showed me the pocket containing your notebook. As I said, I just remember things like that. Obviously I can’t speak for D Charlton.

    *These were what the Aussies refer to as thongs and I therefore couldn’t comment on the presence or not of VPL, Ceci.

  10. You all scare me. Don’t you know people you meet on the internet are not to be trusted. They’re probably out to steal your identities or summat.

    And to think this was all happening in my vicinity. Hell, I probably cycled past you EVER FREAKING DAY of that test.

    At least KC has the decency to not be in London.
    web 2.0 my arse.

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