England v Sri Lanka at Lord’s Day three match report

Ged writes:

When Daisy and I go to a day of international cricket at Lord’s these days, I apply for seats in the Lower Compton or Lower Edrich, as Daisy likes to hide from the sun. These seats are relatively unpopular with the county members, so we tend to get seats pretty close to the front of that stand, where the seats are just fine for both of our tastes.

I made a similar picnic to that for the lads’ outing on the previous day, including the remainder of The Lord’s Throdkin and two types of Banh Mi sandwiches – one small sandwich each traditional Hanoi style, with the remainder of the char siu from yesterday; another small sandwich each “Lord’s Banh Mi” style, using the remainder of the Iberico streaky bacon, with mustard mayonnaise rather than sweet chilli sauce mayonnaise. Only at Lord’s.

At lunch, Daisy and I went for a stroll round to the MCC members’ side, where you get a higher class of floor piss in the gents’ toilets and a higher class of soap in the hand wash dispensers. On leaving the toilet, I ran into Johnny Friendly, an MCC member whose family are all clients of Daisy’s. Delighted to learn that Daisy was with me that day, we three gathered for a chat.

“What do you think of the cricket today?” asked Daisy.

“I’ve hardly seen any, frankly,” said Johnny. “I was playing real tennis for most of the morning session. Have you ever seen real tennis?”

“Yes,” I said. “At The Queen’s Club”.

“No,” said Daisy.

“Would you like to see some?” asked Johnny.

“I can think of nothing that would give me more pleasure,” said Daisy, sliding effortlessly into Jane Austin-style language for the occasion.

So within seconds we were sitting in the viewing area of a real tennis court, having the game explained to us patiently by Johnny Friendly. After about ten minutes of this, Daisy displayed her ability at Jane Austin-style manners by exclaiming: “This is so wonderful, I think I could delight in watching real tennis rather than cricket all afternoon. But we must allow you to return to your business, Mr Friendly. Thank you so very much indeed for your kindness.” (Or words to that effect.)  Only at Lord’s.

We had a bunch of beer-spilling posh boys in front of us – similar in many ways to the beer-spilling posh boys I had suffered behind my group the day before. Today’s posh lot had also been mixing Champagne and beer to clear ill effect on their full-beer-skiff-balancing-skills. At least this time it wasn’t my party but some other poor victims (a rather sweet, elderly couple as it happens) getting systemically soaked in beer.

The sweet couple were charming with gentle reproaches to the posh boys. “Please try not to spill the beer over us again this time.” The day three posh boys were at least polite and apologetic to their victims and weren’t talking so much rubbish about the cricket. They also had more staying power than the day two posh, sticking around all day.

Towards the end of the day, a few people in the Lower Compton, including our posh boys, produced some beer skiff snakes, much to the frustration of the stewards. Compared with Old Trafford and Edgbaston, these beer skiff snakes were pathetic in their length and potency, but that didn’t stop some enterprising rascals commissioning a couple of young kids to “run the snakes” to frustrate the stewards, which was genuinely funny for a while. Nor did it stop the stewards from (idiotically) calling the police in at one point. Once that excitement had died down, the posh boys in front of us attempted a skiff snake with their multitudinous empty Champagne-flute-skiffs, with predictably hilarious results. Only at Lord’s.

Send your match reports to king@kingcricket.co.uk. If it’s a professional match, on no account mention the cricket itself. If it’s an amateur match, feel free to go into excruciating detail.

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9 Appeals

  1. Apologies for being such an unbearable pedant, but…

    Is the spelling of ‘Jane Austin’ an in-joke I have missed, or is it perhaps meant to say ‘Jane Austen’?

  2. Following on from this match report, Ged, I have a key question to ask you:

    Panthers no more. What do we call them now? “Sexers”?

  3. Isn’t it funny how the G-man calls other people posh? I think it is.

    • I think that might be part of the running joke, old bean, as perceptions of poshness are relative.

      But I assure you that if you came and sat in one of those Lord’s stands with us on a test match day, you would realise that, in relative terms, the people I describe as posh, are posh.

      I imagine that Balladeer will concur.

    • Oh dear sweet Jesus yes. There’s me and Ged posh, and then there’s “Daddy let me borrow his Rolls for the weekend” posh.

  4. Younus Khan appears to be SMASHING IT.

    Metaphorically.

  5. Franky, I am puzzled by the folowing sentence, on the basis that I once heard that King Cricket abhorred a dangling participle:

    “Delighted to learn that Daisy was with me that day, we three gathered for a chat.”

    The three seem to consist of Daisy, Ged and Johnny…so does that mean there was another Daisy who conveniently disappeared when Daisy (2), Ged and Johnny met? Whatever happened to this other Daisy?

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