Kevin Pietersen to captain England

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Kevin Pietersen - nowhere near as big a tosspot as you all think he isPaul Collingwood’s been banned for four matches for England’s slow over rate and Kevin Pietersen‘s picked up the reigns to the haggard, lifeless horse that is the England one-day side. We’re not unhappy about this. We’ve said before that we think Kevin Pietersen would make a half-decent captain.

KP said he was ‘humbled’ by this ‘ultimate honour’.

This is clearly bollocks. KP’s never been humbled by anything in his life, because he’s got that unusual belief that he’s better than everyone else. Generally speaking this is an insanely irritating characteristic in a person, but it’s a pretty handy attribute for elite sportsmen.

The very best cricketers have been the ones who can defy reason and bend a match to their will: Botham, Richards, Warne. You can’t triumph against the odds without that faintly delirious, essentially unjustified belief in yourself. Pietersen isn’t remotely close to this company, but we’re not going to criticise him for having that mentality. If nobody thought like that, cricket would be all the more banal and predictable.

We’re not saying that Pietersen’s the best batsman in the world, because he isn’t. He is however an extremely good cricketer and a big part of his cricketing make-up is that self-assurance. That and mascara.

So when he pretends that he’s humble, we don’t mind. He knows that he’s supposed to be like that to be more likeable. However, we don’t for one minute want him to actually feel that way for real. So a blatant lie about being ‘humbled’ is the best he can do in our eyes.


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  1. I hate him – especially as I have to support the drippy Kiwis and the fatheaded Saffers until he’s decaptaintated

  2. Is that another new word? Another michaelvaughanian?

    I am a captain, we keep losing, i’d love to be decaptainated … (am sure you have a rogue T in there)

  3. Depends how you’re removed from office.

    If it’s via beheading the T should stay.

  4. He’s only humble because the best he could get is a series draw, and after that a good cricket team roll into town. He’s playing it coy until captain Hard Bastard gets sacked for real for not winning against the Saffers. That’s when the real KP alien will step from this shell, with new and vile added blingness!

  5. I had a SERIOUSLY weird dream last night. In fact, it’s a KingCricket style match report, that was actually a dream.

    I was at a cricket match, at a big ground. It was absolutely full, but it had areas where people stood, beer in hand, peering over each others’ shoulders to see the game. And EVERYONE had a beer. But the ground was huge. And nothing like anywhere I’ve been.

    It was an absolutely glorious day, and it must have been a Test match as the players were all in white. Don’t think it was domestic, anyway.

    One three-storey stand was still being built, and currently bare concrete with lots of vaguely foreign builders milling around. They slacked off and watched the match, but at some point all linked arms, played some Greek-style music, and did all the Zorba the Greek kind of stuff. Much dancing. The people in the stand next to them, which was pretty much like Old Trafford’s A/B/C area, all joined in.

    Think I started off in a seated bit, roughly behind the bowler’s arm (think Old Trafford stand K), then moved to a standy bit around mid-off for a while, which was wild with lods of chanting and general friendly drunkenness, before going back to the seated bit…where I found Ceci!

    Jump. It’s after the end of the day’s play, and there’s a HUGE replica shirt on the pitch, with Ceci’s name and “Happy Birthday!” emblazoned across it.

    Ceci, for some reason, was Not Happy with this.

    Jump. Ceci and I are in a room with huge window, looking out over the pitch. But at ground level. Strange. Anyway, Ceci’s daughter comes in, to apologise about the giant shirt that she’d organised. Ceci’s daughter is in her early twenties, quite cute with long blonde hair. I remember the age because I was surprised (in my dream) that Ceci would have a daughter that old.

    And then my alarm went off.

    All very odd. Sometimes, I really worry about myself.

  6. How old is your daughter Ceci?

    You are right as always KC. So like KP, I bow humbly. I just find without T easier to say, so more useful in real conversations, not that i have many, usually just post on blogs.

    Ceci – you invented it – what did you mean?

  7. Much cheered to be Mahinda’s dream girl (were you wearing a hat?) but there’s no missceci – just 11 month old masterceci who would not be able to organise giant shirt – but would be able to cover it entirely in ground-in Weetabix in about 30 seconds.

    And I think, Dave, I meant decaptainated but I was so enraged by the Alien’s smirky smug face on his SSN interview I may have overconsonanted

  8. I was wearing my battered old Sri Lanka sunhat, as it happens.

    It’s quite often that friends make cameos in my dreams, but it’s usually just a cameo…and it’s usually someone I’ve actually met! I suspect you absolutely battering me at Scrabulous (I mean, THREE sodding bingos!) might have lodged you in my subconscious mind.

    Surely “overconsonantated”?

  9. douglas, sadly, not dave. but thanks for clearing that up Ceci – you are queen of neologism.

    i win King – next time, the throne.

  10. Looks like I’ve got the monopoly on being called Dave, then.

    Also, I demand written evidence that Pietersen’s not as much of a tosspot as we think. And I won’t accept a note from his mum.

  11. Now we can say the South African captain and the captain of South Africa and mean completely different people. I love it.

    Dave, does KP winning todays toss add to your tosspot argument?

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