Old Trafford cricket ground development might actually happen

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Maybe get the loft converted or add a conservatory

The on-off redevelopment of Old Trafford is on. Lancashire chief executive, Jim Cumbes, may or may not have said.

“Thank Christ for that. This whole thing’s been so bloody annoying – I’m absolutely sick of it. Now, finally, we can do summat about the piss-smelling toilets. Some other stuff too. Maybe try and get a pub put in somewhere.

“I dunno. I haven’t really thought about it properly to be honest. I thought it had all gone to rat shit ages ago and I kind of lost interest.”


Mike Gatting wasn't receiving the King Cricket email when he dropped that ludicrously easy chance against India in 1993.


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  1. I for one would miss the piss-smelling toilets, tradition is very important.

    1. Floor piss is an essential component of the tradition, KC. Get with the project.

  2. I noticed on the plan that there are three of them red fan heater buildings. This is a brilliant tactic. Batsmen will glance at the field and think, there’s a gap in front of the big red building. Then they will chip a ball towards the big red building and be caught by the man who had been there all the time. This will work much better if the keeper spins the batsman round three times before each delivery, so expect this to happen more often.

  3. But have you seen how ugly it is going to be? As if this part of Manchester didn’t have enough ugly red things what with all those foot-the-ball fans, and Sir Alex of Ferguson’s face.

    Is their any truth in the rumour that they have turned the square round 90 degrees? I always liked the fact that the members got a shit view.

    What with getting rid of the piss-smell as well, I’m beginning to suspect that they don’t have the interest of the true die-hard-turn-up-and-get-a-bit-drunk-once-every-few-years-if-its-not-Bangladesh fans at heart.

    1. Why didn’t you turn up to get pissed at the Bangladesh Test? That was an ace one. There were no queues at the Thwaites real ale tent.

    1. Depends what you mean by ‘mixed’.

      Actually, no it doesn’t.

      No, mixed toilets wouldn’t help.

  4. Why was the square only turned 90 degrees? 180 degrees would have been much better.

    1. It revolves – slowly and imperceptibly. The batsman gets his visual clues from the red buildings, but then finds that they have apparently shifted. He is confused. Trapdoors in the field mean that fielders appear and disappear without moving. Ian Gould welcomes the incoming batsman to the crease, but then turns into Peter Willey as the batsman glances down to mark his guard. The music from Tales of the Unexpected suddenly starts to play, apparently from nowhere, then it fades. A fairground ride appears on the outfield, or is it an ice-cream van? And it’s Peter Willey serving the ice-creams, but then who is umpiring? Why it’s Christopher Lee.

      Lancashire’s plan has been very well thought out.

    2. Good idea, Bert. That may be the only way we’re going to win a series in limited over internationals. 🙁

    3. Does that mean the floor piss flows north-south now, rather than east-west?

      That would make sense. You cannot change the laws of physics.

  5. For the time being, there’s an excellent view from the Manchester-bound platform on the Metrolink station. Of the wicket, not the toilets. You can also hop in quite easily over the fence there. Which could be a strategy to increase to increase crowds. No word on whether the 2nd hand bookstall will be retained in the new era?

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