The only story of today’s play

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< 1 minute read

Realistically, there was only one story from today’s play. We’re talking of course of Jacques Kallis’s new ‘comfortable’ appearance.

Why Jacques, we never knew you had so much storage space in your neckNow we like a fat cricketer as much as the next man – maybe even more than the next man – but we don’t appreciate Jacques Kallis’s late-to-the-party attempts.

Our idea of a fat cricketer is someone who truly devotes himself to the role. Ian Austin: there was a fat cricketer with true natural ability. He didn’t faff around with a slight physique for years. He got straight in there. He was fat from the off.

Mark Cosgrove’s another cricketer with gluttony and sloth in his big, big bones. He’s the kind of man who won’t even pay lip service to a fitness regime, because his lips are permanently occupied with cream cakes. Mark Cosgrove is actively working on gaining more weight. This is our kind of hero: one you can believe in and also laugh at when they try to do up their shoelaces.

Jacques Kallis is just a wannabe. Mark Boucher too.

We’ve just realised we’ve already written about fat South Africans, but no matter – it’s not something anyone’s ever likely to get tired of.


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  1. At first I thought I was looking at the Springboks, considering the general heftiness of most of the team. They’re obviously anticipating some run-ins on the pitch.

  2. Boucher is in trouble. He’s so fat he couldn’t move his feet to catch the ball yesterday.

    And they had to lever him through the Grace gates to get him in the ground – these are gates designed to accommodate the girth of WG …

  3. Just as well England are batting first so they get in for lunch first. I imagine once Kallis, Smith, and Boucher get there it’ll be devastated in seconds.

    Apparently the shadow of Flintoff is looming large over the England team, but surely not as large as any of those three.

  4. David Lloyd quote of the day, after Shaun Pollock tried to explain that Kallis’ apparent weight gain was simply due to an unflattering jumper-

    “He’s not wearing a jumper on his face Shaun”

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