There’s an Australian in our house

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< 1 minute read

What should we do?

Should we just treat it like a person?


Mike Gatting wasn't receiving the King Cricket email when he dropped that ludicrously easy chance against India in 1993.


Why risk it when it's so easy to sign up?


  1. Keep the cold beer flowing and it won’t be any trouble…

    Also traditional drinking food is more likely to be a kebab than a curry, please cater appropriately.

  2. Be careful, but don’t panic. They’re only dangerous if their team is winning, so you need to keep an eye on the score. England are batting, so if the score is 196/0 at lunch, tell them they can stay for a month. 96/1 – you should drop some suggestions that you have an appointment some time in the afternoon, so they’ll have to leave. 76/4 – tell them the house is on fire. 59 all out – just leave them with some beer and run away as fast as possible.

  3. They’re like velociraptors, they only see motion. Keep very still; if it surrounds you, blow into its sinus cavities to earn its trust.

  4. Isn’t it the T Rex that only sees motion SimonC?

    Beat it to death with an Ashes 2005/Botham’s Ashes DVD compilation box set thing.

    And i know you have it.

  5. Ignore it – it’s only dangerous if its got a brain.

    It might get annoying if Mitchell Johnson turns out to be the one you needed to pick! Offer it only strawberries and salad under these circumstances – it will soon leave of it’s own accord.

  6. In my experience it’s best to put them to work doing something useful around the palace in order to eliminate the chances of them talking too much. BBQ cleaning…cat tray cleaning…get it kneel on all fours in front of you to make a handy royal footrest….

  7. I was in Poundland in Brixton on Sunday and there were STACKS of the Ashes 2005 dvd box set there. I tried to take a photo but my phone didn’t save it.

    Anyway. The Australian. I’ve got one in my house too. I agree with fellow Australian-owner SW as to what best to do with them. My biggest tip is: if they do your laundry for you, make sure they wash at a correct temperature. Just because they wash everything at 30 degrees in Australia doesn’t mean it’s appropriate here.

  8. I’m not sure inviting it to kneel on all fours would have been too smart to be honest.

  9. If it gets agitated. Hit youtube and show them a clip of Skippy the Kangaroo or Humphrey Bear.

    They seem to calm down the rascals.

  10. Why don’t you get the intellegent Aussie to teach you to play cricket & also how to not play stupid cricket shots when on 69 & facing someone who can’t make their state side but are good enough for the national side. As a Aussie is has to be said the Hauritz is rubbish.

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