For all their progress and despite all their resources, England still can’t compete in one-day cricket in India. We’ve thought of three things that would help their cause.
1. Hire a scientist
It’s staggering to think that England don’t have a scientist on their staff. We’re not talking about nutrionists or sports biomechanists. England should hire a proper scientist – a guy in a lab coat.
2. Develop a stealth capability
This one speaks for itself really. Quite why England haven’t invested in a cloaking device is beyond us.
3. Avoid being mauled by bears
We cannot emphasise this one enough. It is vital for performances in India that players aren’t mauled by bears. As well as the physical consequences, being mauled by a bear can really affect a person’s confidence. Any player caught goading a bear should be severely reprimanded and possibly even given a £20 fine.