Don’t expect much from England

Posted by
< 1 minute read

India did won the World Cup in these conditions a few months ago

How’s that for a rallying cry?

England are playing their least-favoured format in their least-favoured conditions. This series against India will show them at their very worst and as such, it will tell us a hell of a lot.

England’s worst is not yet ‘middling’. They should aspire to middling performances in one-day matches in India. If you’re a middling side at your absolute worst, you’re pretty damn amazing. One shaky win after India have completely cocked up with the bat would be a brilliant outcome from the five-match series.

That’s cricket. It is too broad to perfect every aspect of it. Building a side isn’t a science, it’s basically just an ongoing patch-up job.

It’s like cooking 400 different dishes simultaneously. Your omelette’s looking good, but your kofte bhuna’s starting to stick, so you need to give it a damn good stir. Just as you’re getting stuck in with that, you realise your spuds are boiling over.

England’s spuds started to boil over in Hyderabad today. They could choose to sacrifice the kofte bhuna, but it’s probably more advisable to lash out with the foot and hope that they can turn down the ring under the spuds a touch.

Sometimes you’ve just got to make the best of it.


Mike Gatting wasn't receiving the King Cricket email when he dropped that ludicrously easy chance against India in 1993.


Why risk it when it's so easy to sign up?


  1. This is all with the proviso that you’re not really that bothered how your potatoes end up.

    Which is all well and good, unless it turns out that you’re making the most money with your mashed potato, and you’ve been using that to pay for all the ingredients you put into your kofte bhuna.

    India are going to sell a lot more mashed potato than kofte bhuna*, so it’s the bhuna that gets the foot-cooking.

    This is a shame, because some of us would like India to be really, really good at bhuna cooking when they come over here for that really important bhuna cook-off.

    If only there were fewer meals everyone had to cook at once.

    *If this sounds strange based on the fact that they’re India, remember that I’m only talking about what the cricket team are doing for lunch. Or was I? I don’t really remember.

    1. It’s not like anyone’s going to eat some of everything, after all.

      Have you ever been in one of those pubs or restaurants that offers about a billion different dishes? The ones that sell just a handful always do far better food.

  2. What with Ged’s charming culinary descriptions yesterday, and KC’s noble attempt here, this website is starting to make me hungry.

    I guess I’ll make myself an avocado-soy milk protein shake.

  3. “Imitate the action of the tiger;
    Stiffen the sinews, summon up the blood,
    Disguise fair nature with hard-favour’d rage;
    Then lend the eye a terrible aspect;
    But overall, don’t expect too much, eh.”

    I see what you mean. Inspiring stuff.

    1. Thanks for bringing this up, Ken. I had forgotten all about this site. I am surprised Shakespeare hasn’t paid India a visit.

  4. I know we all love to milk metaphors, but this time, KC, you really have grabbed hold of the wrong end of the stick and then started beating about the bush with it.

Comments are closed.