Jonathan Trott bats too quickly

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Is this the Jonathan Trott we know and increasingly love? No, it is not

In scoring at 77.33 runs per hundred balls, Jonathan Trott careered out of control, like a giant rubber ball belting down Snowdon. That’s the only reason we can come up with as to why he might have got himself out for 58.

Or maybe he’s got a weakness against left-arm spin – that old chestnut. Maybe everyone’s got a weakness against left-arm spin. Maybe a weakness against left-arm spin is to 2011 what painting yourself orange and deafening people with a two-handed slap was to 1991.

Whatever the reason, we’re not happy. In the next Test, we want to see Jonathan Trott blank-faced and scuffing at the turf for at least 14 hours and we don’t want him to score any more than 72 runs in that time.


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  1. Maybe it was Sunday’s bang on the head wot done it.

    Is he also experiencing short term memory loss & speaking with a French accent?

    1. Would have thought so. There’s very little chance that isn’t happening.

  2. We were there.

    With Daisy egging him on from the Upper Compo, he had no choice but to bat like a civet on heat. Or should I say an uguduwa on heat in these circumstances?

    He fell a mere 42 runs short of his hundred, which is not bad.

    Straussy fell a mere hundred runs short of his hundred, which is not so good.

  3. He knew what he was doing. If there’s one thing that is guaranteed, it is that Jonathan Trott always knows what he is doing. If you see him peeling an orange and some juice squirts into his eye, it will be because recent research has shown that orange juice in the eye is good for test batting.

    What he was doing in this case was allowing his international team mate and fellow countryman (not universally the same thing in this team) Kevin Pietersen the opportunity to completely fix all the problems he has with left arm orthodox bowling with a few tidy overs before stumps.

    That’s the sort of chap he is. Trott maintains his average, KP becomes the world’s best player of spin, England go on to dominate world cricket for 28 years. Job done – well done Jonathan.

  4. What kind of shot is that? The bat is miles too high. Put it parallel to your leg and prod man, PROD!

  5. I’m pretty sure that on the Saturday of this test, Jonathon Trott implied that I was “a porker”.

    Towards the end of the day, as he moved into position to field at fine leg, I waved at him while simultaneously transferring some grapes to my mouth with my other hand. Grinning, he made a “big belly” gesture. He then spent the rest of the over eating what looked like jelly babies out of his pocket.

    1. That is a brilliant story.

      Do you like Jonathan Trott more or less after that?

    2. In the heat of the moment I’d have said I liked him less after this obviously unfounded personal attack, but having had time to reflect I think overall it’s strengthened my love of him.

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