Paul Collingwood goes one better than at Cardiff

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Paul Collingwood knocking off for the dayThe Cardiff Ashes Test was a great example of how a draw can be exciting. Today, after playing in the snow, eating a roast dinner and having a couple of pints, we would have been happy with a soporific blockathon, but you get what you’re given.

Paul Collingwood made a huge and often overlooked contribution to that Cardiff draw, but he ballsed up by getting out. This time, he made no such mistake.

If we’d known England were going to be batting for a draw on the last day, the two batsmen we’d have picked to see out the last over would have been Cook and Strauss. But if England had to be nine down, we’d have picked Paul Collingwood and his one inch backlift.

We probably wouldn’t have picked Graham Onions though, but as a number 11 he’s duty-bound to appear in last wicket partnerships. That’s what’s great about cricket: five days of slog all hangs on the person least qualified to deliver.

It’s like building a state of the art spy plane, taking it for a test flight and then getting a pangolin to land it. You want a walking pine cone that secretes acid in its anus? The pangolin’s your man. You want an expert aviator? Look elsewhere.


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  1. Oo please sir I know a poem about a pangolin

    The Pangolin’s a scaly beast
    Its looks are rather rum
    But don’t insult it to its face
    Or it’ll shoot you with its bum

    Sorry. It WAS very funny when I was 8

  2. We’ll hazard that most of the readers will be happy with poetry for eight-year-olds.

    We’re voting in favour for a start.

  3. It was a good game of cricket, really. Before the next test begins, and after the English selectors have come up with the seventy eighth reason why Bell should still play, perhaps they might talk to Cook and ask him why he has suddenly decided not to play the new ball well.

  4. I had never heard of a pangolin. I really thought my education was complete and in fact thought I was better informed than the average Graham. Obviously I’m just an ignorant idiot. Thank you for this, the pangolin is a delight!

    Armoured AND stinky! How the hell has this one passed me by? I’ve been living in shadow…

  5. A lot of my English friends used to tell me, Ian Bell is genuine class and Collingwood hitting a Double century in Australia was the worst thing that happened to English cricket in the past decade as it established that no good player as an England batsman, funny I don’t see them around much these days..

  6. Surely the person least qualified to deliver in this test was Bell – thank heavens he wasn’t batting at 11?

    Yes, a pangolin is not going to land your spy plane as it spends most of its time asleep. If you try and wake it up and it does not like you it will roll into an imitation pine cone – catch 22 – it aint going to land your plane – no sir! But I feel you are being as unfair to the noble pangolin’s reputation as most people routinely were to Mr Collingwood. Pangolins have anal scent glands, just like cats and dogs, [I don’t see you doing down the carnivorous types for acid excretion.]

    They aren’t quite skunks but nice poem Ceci

  7. So are you trying to tell us that Graham Onions has anal scent glands?

    I’ve successfully washed those brown trousers I was wearing yesterday, btw, in case anyone wanted to know that.

    It’s breakfast time, here on King Cricket. Next up, Pepe Le Pew.

  8. Two minutes ago, I was utterly unaware of the pangolin’s existence.
    Now, not only do I have a vague idea of what it looks like and what it does, but I also know a brilliant poem about one.
    Who knew, when I woke up, what a brilliant day this would turn out to be?

  9. If the makers of “the Mongoose” made “The Pangolin”, what sort of bat would it be and who would use it?

  10. Ged – as I have seen Graham Onions active during the day, for a full day on several occasions even, I feel safe in saying that I don’t think he is related to the anal sent gland clade of beasts…. as for KC….

    I can see Chris Martin wielding a ‘Pangolin’ bat

    Have we decided who should be flying our spy plane yet?

  11. Shame on you all for not knowing about pangolins. Next, you’ll all be feigning ignorance of capybaras.

    I saw a platypus the other day. Unfortunately, it was very dead and very stuffed. It looked like a comfy slipper.

    Ceci, nice poem, but wouldn’t it scan slightly better if you used the third person masculine throughout? Possibly not gender neutral enough in these crazy times, however.

  12. This is brilliant. I may bookmark and read every day I feel bored. I think you’ve just made the Pangolin up and then made up loads of internet sites about it to convince me it’s true.

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