Okay, we think we’ve got to grips with what’s happened.
Mike Hesson said to Ross Taylor: “I don’t like you and I don’t like your face. I’m going to get a new captain.”
Ross Taylor replied: “Who the hell are you? When did you become New Zealand coach?”
Mike Hesson said: “I don’t know. It doesn’t matter. The important thing is that I look like a young Dennis Taylor.”
Ross Taylor said: “Who?”
Mike Hesson said: “Dennis Taylor. The snooker player.”
Ross Taylor said: “You don’t really look much like him, you know. You don’t look like a cricket coach either.”
Mike Hesson said: “And you don’t look like a cricket captain.”
Ross Taylor said: “Oh,” and then looked at the floor so that Hesson couldn’t see that his eyes had gone a bit wet.
Mike Hesson said: “I want Brendon McCullum to be captain because I’ve known him longer.”
Ross Taylor said: “That’s a stupid reason for making someone captain.”
Mike Hesson said: “Come on. He needs it. He stopped keeping wicket so that he could become a batsman, but it turns out he isn’t all that good as a batsman so we need to give him a new job.”
Then everyone went to Sri Lanka for a bit and after New Zealand won the second Test and drew the series, Hesson realised that he’d look like a right dickhead for getting rid of Taylor, so he pretended that he’d wanted to keep him as Test captain all along, even though that probably wasn’t the case.
For his part, Ross Taylor feels a bit fed up and now he won’t answer the door.