This is how to watch Test cricket

Only once you’ve had an experience like this can you be considered a true Test match viewing veteran.

What follows is a true story.

“I think it’s brightening up.”


“Yeah, it is. It’s definitely getting brighter. Look over there, the sun’s trying to break through.”

[Time passes]

“I think it’s got worse again.”


“Let’s give it another hour though, I think it’s supposed to ease off.”

[More time passes]

“Well, they’ve done a pitch inspection. That’s promising. Apparently they’re due to make an announcement about when play’s due to restart.”



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33 Appeals

  1. Love it. It’s been warm and dry for far too long. This is more like it.

    • Agreed. It’s hard to be annoyed about drizzle delaying the cricket when it means not having to sleep in a cocoon of my own sweat tonight.

      • King Cricket

        August 9, 2018 at 11:14 am

        It’s both relatively cool and completely dry here – so there’s a way you can get annoyed about the drizzle delaying the cricket.

      • Is His Majesty suffering from the hosepipe ban?

      • King Cricket

        August 9, 2018 at 11:40 am

        You’ve seen our yellowing sward. [Considers rewording that, decides he can’t be bothered.]

  2. Great Cricinfo piece. Just checked to see what’s going on at Lord’s and was met with ‘Early lunch taken’. Snigger.

  3. Report from Lord’s, the home of cracking good weather…

    …but unfortunately I have Escamillo Escapillo with me today, who has brought the Lancastrian weather with him.

    • Escamillo Escapillo

      August 9, 2018 at 2:43 pm

      Escamillo Escapillo notes that at Old Trafford today there is sunshine.

      The sun always shines in Lanky….

      At Lords however, bring your wellies, sowester and rubber dinghy.

  4. I fondly remember watching an Aus v WI one dayer at the SCG where after 2 overs of the 2nd innings it started belting down, before being downgraded to mizzle and then stopping completely. The debate among my friends was fierce as to whether we should wait it out to see if play resumed or just go home. In the end we did decide to just go home, and turned on the telly to see them resuming play, which left me feeling a bit down that we’d bailed..for exactly one ball, before it pissed down again and they abandoned the match.

  5. Can’t they just build a bloody roof over Lord’s?

  6. I’m quite disappointed with the Stokes trial. From what I can gather (from following it on the Sky news website) none of the barristers have done that thing where they demonstrate someone’s eyesight is poor, like in My Cousin Vinnie. I thought that happened in all court cases.

    I guess all I can hope for now is that the defendant’s car didn’t have pozi-traction.

  7. Today is truly excellent stop-start cricket. The only flaw is that in the right or so overs played, things have happened.

    • King Cricket

      August 10, 2018 at 4:03 pm

      It’s perfect “why did I pay to come and see this?” rainy day cricket if you’re supporting India. When they’re off the field is the only time they’ve not been going backwards.

      • Disappointed that young Pope did not perform the Jonty Rhodes for the run-out, to truly immortalise himself on dayboo…

  8. Anderson left stranded on 99*.

  9. Dreadful batting. I hope it rains all Test.

    • Asked whether he was “looking down your nose” at Mr Cunningham, Stokes replied he “might just be looking at the night sky”. And when asked to whom he might be speaking, Stokes replied “God”. – I’m only hoping for rain!

  10. He denied offering the club doorman £300 for re-entry into Mbargo, claiming he offered £60. “I wouldn’t offer £300 to get back into even the best club in London,” he replied.

    Stokes also denied saying the doorman’s tattoos were “shit”, claiming he had in fact said: “Come on mate, I’ve got shit tattoos as well, let us in.”

    Corsellis challenged him. “But you don’t have shit tattoos. You have spent a lot of money and time and care on your tattoos, and they are not shit,” the prosecutor said.

    Stokes replied that he liked the tattoos on his arms, but he did not like the tattoo on his back. “It’s not done very well and it’s a bit faded,” he said. He was constantly getting comments about his tattoos, he added, “especially on the boundary line”.

    Oh boy !

  11. Viewing further footage showing Stokes looking upward, Corsellis asked the cricketer what he was looking at. “I might just be looking at the night sky,” replied Stokes.

    Who was he speaking to when looking at the night sky, Corsellis asked. “God?” Stokes replied.

    Who’s the dialogue writer?

  12. In important news, is His Majesty aware that somebody that isn’t him has written a review of a Cricket Captain video game?

    Is that kind of behaviour permitted?

    • King Cricket

      August 11, 2018 at 10:56 pm

      We’ll review it here in due course and we’ll review it fifty times better.

  13. I’m confused – how are all these Things Happening at Lord’s given that Ben Stokes has been busy Making Testimony Happen at Bristol Crown Court? Is it somehow possible that other cricketers are capable of causing events to occur?

  14. A breezy, showery day in prospect at Lord’s so your cunningly disguised title is very apt, yer maj.

    “Weathercocks twitch, so hit tits.”

    Just hope the little blue birds can dodge Father Time.

  15. F*** the weather forecast. I got to The Home ludicrously early this morning to secure a parking space near the ground and perfectly sheltered yet excellent seats in the Warner.

    Not that it is actually going to rain if course – except for the odd shower perhaps …

    ….unless the wind changes direction again…

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