A Boxing Day Test thank you letter

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Dear Father Christmas,

Thanks for all the presents you brought us. You really outdid yourself. We know we’ve been good this year, but some of the things you got us were just plain ridiculous.

Thanks for the house. We’re not sure we need quite that many bedrooms and we really weren’t expecting a pool. On balance you were probably too generous.

Thanks for getting us Jessica Alba and Beyoncé as well. One of them would have been enough and they didn’t BOTH need to be naked, although it was much appreciated.

Now, the cricket. Australia 98 all out and England 157-0? Well, let’s be honest, we’re not going to throw that back in your face, are we? This was more outrageous than the other presents put together, but we can’t say we aren’t glad.

What do you do for an encore?

All our love,
King Cricket


Mike Gatting wasn't receiving the King Cricket email when he dropped that ludicrously easy chance against India in 1993.


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  1. I guess Aussie optimists might say…”Enjoy your gifts KC…but we’ve asked Santa for 3 days of rain!” 🙂

    Then again, Santa won’t be so giving to sledgers, will he?!

  2. I have just read your letter out loud to Daisy and she laughed a lot.

    She asked if King Cricket is that funny man from the tele – you know, that one with the funny voice.

    I explained that I don’t know who the funny man from the tele is and that King Cricket does have a funny voice, because he is from the North, but that I don’t think that KC is the funny man from the tele.

    I’ll see if I can Venn this one. Nice letter, KC.

  3. Get back to us on this one. We’d like to know who we’re being mistaken for and why.

    If it’s someone we hate, we’ll just ignore it. If it’s someone good, we’ll act like we have ‘a bit of something about us’.

  4. After an interrogation which included shining a bright light in Daisy’s face (well, OK, she was changing a lightbulb while I asked her some more about this matter) we have extracted the truth.

    Daisy was thinking of Andrew Miller. She saw him once on Cricket Writers On TV. She was confusing King Cricket with Cricinfo – a mistake which absolutely anyone could make.

    I don’t recall Andrew Miller’s voice at all, be it northern or merely funny in some other way.

  5. Miller most definitely does NOT share our accent.

    He seems a decent sort though and we’re happy enough to be mistaken for him.

  6. I must confess that as Daisy had been photo-featured on here (with expensive socks on her hands) she was fully au fait with the KC brand, even co-author of Ged’s posts.

  7. Dear Santa
    Thank you for also adding a sneaky 2-1 win for Spurs into your largess.
    You’ve made up for that with Cook’s dismissal in the fifth over….

  8. The clue is in the name, people. KING. Surely it is beyond comprehension that the King has anything other than an RP accent. He comes from CHESHIRE, for god’s sake, spiritual home county of the outdoor hot tub, and it don’t get no more posher than that.

    Anyway, two down and in a state of collapse, England (albeit leading on first innings by 72, just to redress the situation).

  9. Miller went to the same school as Prince William – that is a fact. I think his accent is more of a Slough burr.

    Jo Fitz – triple discard for mentioning the unmentionable in the presence of KC.

  10. Ooohh… the first time I’ve been publically discarded on this site!

    What’s everybody having for lunch?

  11. I’ve got an Australisn friend around tonight to enjoy this with me. ”The Australian’ and I played Goldeneye for lunch. I won that 2-1.

    Ooooo, is that going to be another example of me being a witch?

  12. Don’t mess with Daisy, Smudge.

    It might be possible for England to win the Ashes in Oz, but it is not possible to win the argument with Daisy. Trust me on that one.

  13. Ged, I meant no disrespect to Daisy. Sorry if last night’s gin cocktails gave another impression.

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