Andrew Strauss has hit five hundreds this winter. Having done extensive statistical analysis, we have deemed that ‘acceptable’. We went out to canvass public opinion about the England captain.
Malcolm Rathbone, 48, said:
“That Strauss is a symbol of all that’s great about Britain. This is the kind of thing we’d get if we didn’t allow all those damned immigrants into the side.
“Like that South African chap – what does he know of British values? Coming over here, taking our jobs. We should keep the foreigners out. It’s the England cricket team, not the United Nations.”
We pointed out that Andrew Strauss was born in Johannesburg.
“Well it’s pretty obvious that he’s one of them; taking our money but giving nothing back to British society. What’s playing cricket going to achieve? Maybe he’d be better off trying to do something about the yob culture that’s blighting our towns.
“He’s just a drain on the honest, working British public. He’ll be making us eat sauerkraut and forcing us all convert to Islam before you know it. Keep Britain British, that’s what I say.”
As we edged away, Malcolm was muttering about how he’d drive round to Strauss’s house and burn it down if he hadn’t lost his licence after killing that kid while drink driving.