Australian cricketers need English balls

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< 1 minute read

Ambiguous headline, you say? Don’t know what you’re talking about.

In their painfully desperate attempts to compete with England, Australia are going to use good, solid, dependable, manly Dukes balls in some Sheffield Shield matches instead of the fey, effeminate Kookaburra ball.

The idea is that Aussie bowlers will maybe learn to do something with the ball, rather than just tramping in with an angry face, trying to bore the batsman out – like they have been doing ever since Glenn McGrath set new standards in mind-numbing one-dimensionality.

It may help them win the Ashes. It may not. It seems rather unrealistic preparation. You’re not going to get two straight hours of bowling with a Dukes ball under clear skies here, lads.


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  1. Bit harsh on McGrath, that. I know he’s an Aussie but he was a phenomenal bowler, with plenty of variations, that he used sparingly. Mind-numbing one-dimensionality is usually a batting trait, in my opinion, rather than a bowling one.

  2. I had the feeling that they’d do something like this, once the English proved to them in the last Ashes that without better bowlers they’ll struggle to win their home series. It is quite a turnaround, though, from assuming that they were successful because of their innate Australian-ness to understanding that they were successful because of two blokes.

    But surely you’ve got your balls in the wrong order. The Duke, dancing about like a demented will-o-the-wisp, is the fey one. It probably has a flute and a Dead Head T-shirt. It is Joe Cocker. The Kookaburra, with its literally straight-down-the-line approach, is the chartered accountant of cricket balls. It is Victor Cocker, Joe’s brother, former CEO of Severn Trent Water.

    1. We see what you’re saying, but we meant ‘fey’ as in ‘fairylike’ – flimsy and weak, like many Australian exports. See also, Foster’s and their cricket team.

    2. “Neither of us are fighters”? Oh come on KC, we need you to show a little more testicular fortitude.

      Watch out for Kimber’s left jab and you’re golden.

    3. Fosters is our joke on the world, it’s made for export while we keep the good stuff at home.
      At the risk of going on topic the kookaburras are pretty ordinary, this years batch seem a little more resilient but some years (like last year) they frequently lose their shape inside of the first 10 overs. The seam is horrible too.
      There is a local company here called ‘platypus’ that make a decent ball, used to use them before kookaburra got the lockout on the local comps.

    4. I’m proud of you fellas. You all kept your head on a swivel, and that’s what you gotta do when you find yourself thrust into the middle of vicious cockfight.

  3. Come to think of it, a KC-Jrod fight would be a great way to kick off the Ashes. Like an opening ceremony

  4. The Kookaburra is McCartney to the Duke’s Lennon. Let’s start a series of really, really poor analogies.

    1. A Kookaburra is a neutron, a Duke is a Higgs boson…

      …except that it is a Higgs boson with mass of course…

    2. A Duke is a member of the highest echelon of European nobility, a Kookburra is a large antipodean kingfisher. Both have slightly silly-sounding voices.

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