Cricket in the southern hemisphere

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< 1 minute read

We understand why Kevin Pietersen is going to play a couple of matches for Kwa-Zulu Natal, but what the hell is he blathering about?

“These two matches would enable me to work on my game against the Kookaburra ball in southern hemisphere conditions, which is the ideal preparation for Australia.”

What are southern hemisphere conditions? That’s half the frigging planet you’re talking about, KP.

If experiencing ‘southern hemisphere conditions’ is your priority, why do you need a club at all?

Why doesn’t he just get a bowling machine and a bag of Kookaburras and go to Angola, Paraguay or Antarctica?


Mike Gatting wasn't receiving the King Cricket email when he dropped that ludicrously easy chance against India in 1993.


Why risk it when it's so easy to sign up?


  1. Let’s hope he sees more of the ball than he did in this week’s match against those plucky Glamorganeers.

    0 & 1 does not exactly inspire.

  2. I think you’ must have lost the plot, KC. Of course it is completely different batting in the Southern Hemisphere.

    Like, water swirls around the plug hole the other way round down there and stuff.

    I’ve never actually batted in the Southern Hemisphere personally, but with all that weirdness going on down there, the very idea of batting there utterly daunts me.

    For once, with all due respect, your majesty, KP has got it 120% right.

  3. is this kwa zulu natal anywhere near chelsea otherwise I fear KPs cunning plan could be dead in the water before he even starts

  4. Good point. That’s the main thing KP looks for when choosing a first-class team.

    Presumably he’s not choosing any more and this is the closest one that’ll have him.

  5. Ged is quite right. Because water swirls the opposite way in the southern hemisphere, the ball, if it was water, would go the other way, if it was in a bath. This means that, when combined with the fact that the batsman’s feet are pointing north, not south, as they would be in the north, instead of the south, the relative movement of the ball in, say, an outswing delivery, or an inswinging delivery if it were in the north, would be towards the centre of inertia, not away from it, which it would be if it were the other way round, or in the north, for example. Conversely, if the bowler delivers a northern hemisphere inswinger while in the southern hemisphere, the batsman must compensate for this difference in where the feet point by having a bath in the opposite direction completely.

    KP has worked all this out, so less of the sniping, please.

  6. At least he’s having a go, but it’s interesting that he sees South Africa and Aus as one very long continent.

    With Perth in the middle, shit can of a place that it is.

  7. It’s also a different matter predicting weather conditions down there in the southern hemisphere.

    As Kwazulu-Natal farmers put it:

    Red sky at night,
    Springbok herders’ warning,
    Red sky in the morning,
    Springbok herders’ delight.

    Fiendishly difficult in the absence of recent, relevant experience.

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