Justin Langer’s three golden rules

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Justin Langer has a philosophy. It’s changed the culture of the Western Australia cricket team and made them successful. Central to his philosophy are the following three rules:

  1. Use common sense
  2. Keep things simple
  3. No mobile phones at training

This revelation comes from within an almost transcendentally nauseating interview. Other highlights include his Christian faith (“I’ve probably got about 15 to 20 sets of rosary beads at home”); how he and his wife dedicate an hour to each other every morning (or at least they do when he’s in town); and his habit of scrawling trite quotes on the walls of what is now his daughter’s room…

“The words on the wall are just scriptures and quotes. They’re just reminders. Every now and then I go up and lie on her bed and just surround myself.”

Try as they might, this current generation of Australian cricketers just can’t quite muster the same level of exceptional loathesomeness as that 2005 outfit.

It’s the same kind of guff that Matthew Hayden comes out with. All this belief, self-improvement and relentless positivity – it’s almost like a cult. “My name’s Justin and I believe in successfulnessment.”

It’s hard not to picture Warnie sat in the corner of the dressing room, gawping at them with a cheese toastie in his hand. The sad fact is, Warne’s actually not much better these days. At some point the fat idiot must have been infected by it all – it’s just that the disease just took a decade to gestate thanks to all the cheddar clogging up his synapses.


Mike Gatting wasn't receiving the King Cricket email when he dropped that ludicrously easy chance against India in 1993.


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  1. They’re all idiots. In other news, Phil Hughes better not conk out now, I might be the only person on the planet who likes watching him bat.

    1. No no, I like watching him bat too. Especially against England. Or Chris Martin.

      Anyway, those things that are “bigger than the game”? I think this might be one of them.

    2. He’s good to watch. Not that that should be a primary criterion for deciding how much I’d rather nothing terrible happened to him; I’d wish all the best to an utterly dull batsman too. But I really can’t get into this “loathing the Aussies” thing (even the ones who seem to be trying to provoke me into it – it’s just sport, folks) and I’m much less likely to sneak into the kitchen and put the kettle on if Hughes is at the wicket. So don’t go conking off indeed.

    3. I’m not much of a fan of his, but I’d still love to see him bat again. Nasty, nasty blow that.

    4. If you ban the bouncer is it still cricket? At the rubbish levels I played at there was often a “nothing over the shoulder” line in the playing conditions but invariably captains would agree before play to one bouncer per over. Ergo cricketers accept the risk of getting hit as part of the game, and even invite the challenge because they want to play cricket and not some facsimile. So I hope Phil Hughes will recover, and cricket too.

  2. I don’t understand why a post on Langer is accompanied by what is clearly a taxidermy picture of Mel Gibson.

  3. Not his fault, but it is a desperately ill-timed article. Get a head injury, but just carry on because that’s the “Australian” thing to do. It makes people (or Andrew Symonds and Matthew Hayden at least) respect you. And then brag about it and another head injury on his debut as the two things that define Justin Langer’s career. Tough. Manly. Macho. What a guy.

    No regrets. Perhaps he might have one today.

    1. In our opinion, it’s well-timed because it better highlights the stupidity of it. We’re sure Mrs Langer and the kids would have been delighted with the respect Justin would have earned from his team-mates had he been hit again and brain-damaged or killed.

    2. Maybe there a correlation between the number of blows to the head someone receives and the depth of their belief in christ?

  4. Alastair Cook on Phil Hughes: “There’s a really damp atmosphere in the changing room at the moment.”

  5. To move away from Phil Hughes for a – oh God no…

    “Helping others is something he can’t seem to say no to. He appreciates the satisfaction of simply caring for someone.”

    ‘Scuse me. *runs for bucket*

    1. So he helps people for his own satisfaction?

      How about helping someone because they need it rather then your own satisfaction. There is something in the bible about that I suppose.

  6. Looking to Hayden and Symonds for a judgement call- yeah, a delusional twat and an alcoholic, that’s whose opinion you should trust. Not the captain who is trying to ensure you don’t die. Christ I hate the Australian attitude to cricket- I didn’t mind it in the last ashes because it was so funny hearing Michael Clarke trying to be Chuck Norris but Langer and Hayden et al…grow up

  7. She’ll be right, mate. “No she won’t. Who said so? Why will ‘she be right’?” There are two things Justin Langer can’t cop. One is drugs. The other is ‘She’ll be right, mate’. “Look, I’m a big fan of Australian colloquialisms,” he says as he gives you that look from below. Head tilted to the right, eyebrows raised as he explains himself. “I love Australia — I’ve got an Australian flag outside my house — but the line ‘She’ll be right’? Nup. Nah. That’s not how it works.
    “Having the attitude ‘She’ll be right’ means everything will just stay mediocre. I hate it.
    “To tell you the truth ‘she’ actually won’t be right. Not unless you do something about it. You’re the one who can change things. They don’t change by themselves.”


  8. Forgive me if I abstain from reading the interview. I come here for an antidote to work overload. By the sound of it, that interview would feel like “work cubed” reading.

  9. Let’s all do something that doesn’t involve any specific religion that ensures we express our desire for Phil Hughes to retain his former vigor and lucidity to whomever might be listening.

    1. This is my problem. I don’t want to seem like an unsympathetic bastard, but saying “Hoping he recovers” seems (a) trite, (b) obvious, and (c) isn’t going to make a damn bit of difference.

      If the Hughes family read KC, like all right-thinking people, then of course there’d be a reason to post my sympathy. As it is, you get poorly worded deliveries like this instead.

      …That Justin Langer, eh? What is he like?

    2. I take your point, Balladeer. It’s not like the doctors are going to ‘try harder’ because people on the internet say they want things to turn out well.

      Although I suppose it’s also trite, obvious and ineffectual to say that I hope England don’t embarrass themselves at the World Cup, and I’m still going to say that.

  10. Speaking of Hayden, he had this to offer on the Hughes incident:

    “I know that we’re not running into massive human men, but you actually just want to challenge yourself and Test cricket is called that for a reason – it tests everything”

    1. Extraordinary quote. What was the context?

      I love the idea of ‘massive human men’.

      I just read that back and realise it could be taken the wrong way.

      Oh well.

      What were we talking about?

    2. It’s always best to clarify what species of men you are talking about, for the avoidance of confusion. I assume he’s talking about rugby, but he could have been describing Huge Mutant Ant Men Collision Frisbee. We can only rule that out because of Matthew Hayden’s clarity of speech.

    3. I believe he was responding to a question about whether fast bowlers would now think twice about bowling bouncers.

  11. I tried to take the hit for the team, so I could look Haydos in the eye and all – but my brain turned to started to feel like that fatty stuff in Thames Sewers about 2/3rds of the way through. I thought it might be worth it for this:

    Then David Boon walks up and puts his arm around me. Even though I’m in a daze I can still smell the Benson & Hedges and PK chewing gum on his breath.

    But it wasn’t. 5 minutes and some millions of brain cells lost forever. Thankfully there is Dan Vettori.

  12. Things are going well in Colombo, I see. SL 100 up, 19 overs bowled. But at least we’ve got some wic… oh, sorry, no wickets either.

    1. Sangakkara continues to be “part-timer” Ali’s bunny. Which is amusing. Unlike the rest of the match.

  13. Jesus, that article really makes you see the bright side of failure.

    Laziness, dishonesty, lack of motivation, cowardice, lack of self-respect – they’re not great. But if Justin Langer dislikes them, I’m in.

    1. Mo Be-Dicks Sri Lankans.
      (not sure if Be-Dicks is a word, and if it is, what it means)

      Mo – He Can Cut, and Play A Variety of Other Shots As Well

      Moeen Ali’s Surrender of Wicket Leaves England In The Shit

      It’s All Moeen’s Fault, Says Cook

    2. Ali Cook’s 10 was well constructed. Brisk too, given that he was only at the crease for 32 minutes.

      It’s just a shame that Moeen gave his wicket away before finishing the job. Ditto Ravi.

      I didn’t see the innings, of course, I’ve been working. I’m just extrapolating the obvious from the scorecard.

      Still, a heroic failure is almost as good as a win. Better in some ways, as it doesn’t allow room for complacency .

      It also allows one to say that it is the taking part that really matters, not winning or losing. If you come from the right sort of family, you will understand these things.

  14. I just don’t understand how Australian Cricket morphed from Lillee, Thommo, Chapelli et al to that shit. Though I guess the bangs on the head led to the compulsive scribbling on the wall.

  15. Oh dear heck, the photo attached to that article. He looks like one of (ex) Pope Benedict’s erotic fantasies. The horror, the horror.

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