Making fun look as cheery as an Eastenders highlights DVD

If you think by failing to engage us, you’re going to discourage us, you’re kidding yourselves. If you think your silence is going to avert an excruciatingly unnecessary, day-by-day countdown, you’re wrong.

It is two days until Rob Key plays for England in the Twenty20 World Cup. It is two days until we unleash the greatest post in internet history.

We think you’re severely underestimating how good this post will be. We’ve honestly had it ready since May 2007. When you see it, you won’t believe that we’ve managed to hold onto something this good for so long without rupturing our pancreas or something.

Friday. Midday. Hold onto your vital organs in case they try and escape amid all the excitement.

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38 Appeals

  1. It’d better have dancing girls, relevant or not!

  2. It will be funny if he’s not actually picked.

  3. Ooh Suave, you may have angered his majesty with that last comment…

  4. King Cricket

    June 3, 2009 at 3:34 pm

    We are a bit worried about nonselection, but it’s too late now – we’re committed.

    Let’s say that it’ll brighten everyone’s day in the event that he’s not selected.

  5. Tragically, the signs from the warmup games are not promising; Wright appears to have been preferred in both.

    I’m sure they’re just saving the magnificence for the big reveal on Friday. I’m sure that’s it.


  6. King Cricket

    June 3, 2009 at 5:35 pm

    This is a catastrophe. Can we back out of publishing the ULTIMATE POST?

  7. I’m just praying for a 15-ball duck from Wright. Half way there now…

  8. that 50 off 36 might have put the kibosh on that SimonC!

    Is your new wonder post a video of you in your Ming the Merciless costume weeping into your beer, as Sir Bobby misses out on Friday?!

  9. King Cricket

    June 3, 2009 at 8:07 pm

    Would that be the best thing ever?

    No, that would not be the best thing ever.

  10. Well, piss. I appear to be out of credit with the assembled pantheon.

  11. Oh, sire, it would be very close. To paraphrase Tenacious D, it wouldn’t be the greatest post in the world, it would be a tribute.

  12. Oh dear, wright had the audasity to play well today. Rob might have to resort to injuring him. A rob key hulk smash might register on the richer scale tho.

  13. Haha, this is a real dilemma. Should really put your Kinglyness to the test.

    Blob might never come this close to playing again…

    But then again imagine if he gets selected later in the summer.

    Imagine that. Rob. Key. Winning. The Ashes. For England.

    And you wasted THE ULTIMATE post on a 20-20 tournament he didn’t even play in…

    If it happened to Colly it could happen to him.

  14. Thing is, KC, we’ve been hurt before. We’ve had our hopes raised before about a Rob Key return to the England side, only to have them so cruelly dashed that the mere memory of it makes me want to cry over this computer that I’m only allowed to use on the basis that not a drop of liquid goes anywhere near it.

    We’re just trying to minimise the heartache.

  15. You are committed KC.

    You know the difference between involved and committed, don’t you?

    Think English breakfast. The chicken is involved, but the pig is committed.

    Your subjects are all ready to tune in at 12:00 Friday, KC, so IT IS TOO LATE to pull out now.


  16. I have NOT SLEPT since you made the announcement about the greatest post in internet history on 2nd June 2009. I am, therefore, literally DIZZY with anticipation and starting to think strange thoughts.
    If you pull out now… well, you’ve heard of the term ‘regicide’, haven’t you…

  17. Oh Alex, you are my kind of fellow. Regicide is my favourite word, that isn’t a four letter swear word beginning with F and ending with uck.

  18. King Cricket

    June 4, 2009 at 11:02 am

    The Ultimate Post will appear. We are indeed committed.

    The UNSTOPPABLE FREIGHT TRAIN TO FUNLAND simply has too much momentum for anyone to get off now.

  19. Why are we riding on a freight train?

  20. King Cricket

    June 4, 2009 at 11:13 am

    Because freight trains are weightier and therefore more difficult to stop.

  21. Which brings us back to Rob Key.

  22. But they travel more slowly, which offsets the mass advantage. We’ve discussed momentum in detail here before. I refer you to the work of Moses:

  23. I’d rather be hit by a freight train at 30mph, than the Shanghai Express at approx 270mph.

  24. I’ll be in the middle of a physics exam at midday on Friday. But I won’t be thinking about physics. My sole thought will be of the glorious moment I am missing. I will probably fail my exam, even though I have now revised Momentum, thanks to Bert and Moses.

  25. marmazet- don’t worry, you’ll be able to cheat, no problem. The invigilator won’t be paying attention as he or she too will be thinking about nothing else but the ultimate post.

  26. King Cricket

    June 4, 2009 at 12:17 pm

    It is a high-speed, runaway freight train and it is on a very steep incline.

  27. Better, but where do we sit?

  28. King Cricket

    June 4, 2009 at 1:31 pm

    Mostly we all just hang off the back, trailing like streamers.

  29. Hmm. I would have thought that that would make it easier for people to get off, just by letting go.

  30. King Cricket

    June 4, 2009 at 2:11 pm

    Are you mental? Don’t you appreciate how fast we’re going?

    Wait until tomorrow’s midday collision. Then you’ll know.

  31. Fair enough. Let’s see where we’re up to:

    The UNSTOPPABLE HIGH-SPEED RUNAWAY FREIGHT TRAIN ON A VERY STEEP INCLINE TO FUNLAND simply has too much momentum (being equal to its mass multiplied by its speed) for anyone to get off now (more due to the speed, one would think, than the momentum, the mass not being strictly relevant in this case), this being because getting (or falling) off said train is a palpably worse fate than that which awaits at lunchtime tomorrow (which seems to have now become a collision, and thus something nasty, rather than the previously mentioned nice thing represented by your use of the word Funland).

    I can’t wait.

  32. I’m confused. If we’re on a very steep incline, shouldn’t this slow us down?

  33. In reality Ed, we should be going backwards. But if we’re all hanging off of the back, we’re bound to die.

    I don’t want to die over something that is bound to be a major disappointment.

  34. If we’re going backwards are we now hanging off the front?

  35. Shit, I didn’t realise we were going backwards.

    I don’t like this, I want to get off.

  36. A bee appears to have struck the train and brought it to an infinitesimal standstill.

    Have the England selectors overlooked the potential of bees to add momentum to our team’s efforts? Or at least subtract it from the others’…

  37. The runaway train went up the track and she blew.
    The runaway train went up the track and she blew.
    The runaway train went up the track,
    With Ed, Bert and Suave hanging off the back,
    And she blew, blew, blew, blew, blew

    King Cricket said Key would make the team, but he won’t.
    King Cricket said Key would make the team, but he won’t.
    King Cricket said Key would make the team,
    Like he does in his favourite dream,
    But he won’t, won’t, won’t, won’t, won’t.

    Wright will play, so Flower thinks, yes he will.
    Wright will play, so Flower thinks, yes he will.
    Wright will play, so Flower thinks,
    Our Rob will just bring on the drinks,
    Yes he will, will, will, will, will.

    But still we’ll get the greatest post for Rob Key.
    But still we’ll get the greatest post for Rob Key.
    But still we’ll get the greatest post,
    Unless that’s just an idle boast,
    We will see, see, see, see, see.

  38. King Cricket

    June 4, 2009 at 4:27 pm

    All clumsy, ill thought-out train metaphors will be forgotten at midday tomorrow.

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