England Test captaincy play-off

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< 1 minute read

Are you sportsmen or stockbrokers?

So Alastair Cook’s an England captain (one-day internationals) and Stuart Broad’s an England captain (Twenty20). But which one will go on to become the REAL England captain – the one who’s in charge of the Test team?

Is this really the way to do it. Is this really the plan now? Auditioning?

Do they both have to captain England before a decision can be made? Couldn’t the selectors have devised a series of competitive events to gauge their skills instead?

We suggest the following:

  • Mano a mano coin-tossing
  • Handshakefulness evaluation
  • Long-range vague arm-waving (against the clock)
  • Taking the positives from a shocking defeat oral test

And while we’re on this subject, can we express our grave displeasure at the unrepresentative nature of the current England captains. There are three of them now and they are all public school boys, defiling the air at press conferences with their hideous, grating received pronunciation accents.

We miss Michael Vaughan.


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  1. Your skills test list is all at sea, KC.

    The following should suffice:

    * ability to play pocket billiards while walking;
    * baldingness rapidity;
    * choice of tie.

    On the latter, it has to be said that all three are currently neck and neck – as it were.

  2. If you are assessing their abilities to captain in the different formats, you have to look for the similarities and differences between the various captaincy roles.

    Main Captaincy Skills

    1. Sounding deep and earnest while in the middle of a group of men who in any other circumstance would be just a bit too close.

    2. Telling the ingoing batsman to score and not get out.

    3. Arranging your team in some rough approximation to a circle.

    4. Giving the “ball” to one of your “bowlers” and asking them to “bowl”. (NB, this skill is what sets good captains apart from the others, we are told).

    5. Saying essentially the same thing to the media after the match irrespective of the result.

    6. Delaying the declaration until every single pundit in the world has announced they would have declared earlier, while in the meantime sitting “impassively” on the balcony as all those TV cameramen who normally scan the crowd for pretty girls with low tops focus on your face.

    So it seems that the only difference between T20, ODI and test captaincy is the last one – getting the timing of the declaration wrong. I imagine that Cook and Broad are desperately trying to acquire this skill as we speak.

  3. I can’t believe the ECB haven’t taken the opportunity to have a full on x factor style programme plus audience vote on this. Strictly cricket captain or something. All we need is some zelebrity judges, an annoying host, some totty in a dress and a couple of weeks of testing the above skills whilst going on a journey of some kind and voila!

  4. The picture has just made me realise that England have appointed Mr Blond, Mr Pink and Mr Orange.

  5. Bah! I would just go for the two classics: sword fight and love-making.

    1. Dunno. If you had to have all-of-the-sex with both Alastair Cook and Stuart Broad following a few rounds of fencing, would you feel tricked?

    2. It’s a tough call, but probably yes. I can take or leave the sword fighting though.

  6. What a load of absolute twaddle! I have been sick of loathesome never-played – much, football ‘intellectuals’ over the last couple of years – and now it’s poisoning cricket too!
    Ex public schoolboy accents – I’d rather have this any day to divs talking down or prats wallowing in their aggressive affected working class regional accents! For God’s sake let’s – look upwards & not revel in being full of fun suedo working-class heroes. Long live John Lennon! He knew very well what I am trying to say.
    Julie x

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