UK considering military action in wake of Stokes dismissal

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David Cameron has not ruled out bombing raids against Australia in response to Ben Stokes being given out obstructing the field in the first one-day international. However, the UK Prime Minister says that a large-scale deployment of ground troops is unlikely. “Maybe if it had been a mankad and they hadn’t warned him,” he explained.

Tensions have been rising between the two nations ever since it became apparent that there was a fundamental difference of opinion about whether Stokes was out or not. The issue has now become a major stumbling block in ongoing peace talks.

In response to Cameron’s threat, Australian Prime Minister Tony Abbott is quoted as saying: “Bring it on. I think I speak for all Australians when I say we’d love an opportunity to wage war against the UK.”

Abbott said that one of the great motivations for conflict would be an opportunity to ‘win the Queen’.

“You can keep Sam Robson, but that woman is a hallowed symbol of mateship, the Baggy Green culture, kangaroos and all the other stuff that makes Australia Australian. Just as soon as we’ve all finished sitting around sipping our flat whites and shaving off our body hair, we’re going to hit you. Hard.”

David Cameron has not been available to give a response, because he’s been too busy doing something barbarically posh – suffocating fox cubs with his special tweed smothering rag before throwing their corpses at poor people or summat.


Mike Gatting wasn't receiving the King Cricket email when he dropped that ludicrously easy chance against India in 1993.


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  1. At the very least questions need to be asked in parliament. Only fair after the moaning Bodyline caused.

  2. Military action’s too good for them Aussies, KC.

    We haven’t had any barbarically posh reportage for a while around here – well done for breaking that David Cameron story. I think you might have an exclusive on your hands there.

    1. Good heavens! What’s that picture supposed to tell us? That Cook, under his soft metrosexual exterior is a hard, chewing-gum-chewing rank one tough guy that goes around killing…..bambi? That looks like the gun’s equipped with a lens, like a sniper. Was Cook waiting for the animal on his apartment’s rooftop in the cool, calm, collected way hitmen usually do? Did he bend bullets like in that Angelina Jolie movie? Is the animal even dead? It looks like it’s sticking a pose. What’s going on here?

    2. It’s a sad day when a man is no longer allowed to shoot at things on the land a dead king gifted to his ancestors.

    3. Even sadder when embalming and/or stuffing their remains and ensconcing them in display cases next to cricket bats is frowned upon in certain circles.

  3. The question is, would an air offensive against Australia be legal, in a legal sense? It seems to us here at the Court of Arbitration for Sport that one of two conditions must be met for this action to be legal:

    1. That the Aggressor, hereafter called the Aggressor, must be under immediate threat from the Agressee, pursuant to clauses 17.7 and 12.43 of the relevant act, as described under Jackson vs Regina, 1789.

    2. Not that.

    After careful consideration, therefore, we conclude that:

    a) Military action against Australia is justified
    b) Ben Stokes did NOT obstruct the field
    c) Steve Smith smells of old pants

  4. The homeland of the heroic Stokes is ready to join the attack against the vile Australian aggressors. Don’t really have a military to speak of, but we could send McCullum over with a bat?

    1. In other news, Techie in Australia shocked to know that his Uber cab driver earned more (min $200/day) than (what he had presumed to be as ) “his own high paying” ($40,000 to $80,000 p.a) salary.

      The shocked techie shared this news in FB and to his surprise everybody sympathised with the driver (who used to be a non-paid cricketer in a country where international cricket is no longer played now)

  5. This is all simply evidence, if such were needed, that Richie Benaud was an essential component of the rapprochement between these two nations.

    The aggressive, combative, war-like Aussies simply unable to contain themselves without a moderating influence such as Richie in their midst…well, he lived in France for most of the year, but you know what I’m driving at.

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