Shoaib Akhtar is going to get himself mended by Andrew Flintoff’s surgeon.
“I hear that he is like an artist with knees and that his expertise is second to none.”
Don’t most artists have knees? It’s not an occupation specifically reserved for the fixed-legged is it?
Press releases are rarely of this standard.
Lahore May 21, 2009: Mr. Shoaib Akhter was examined today by a Medical Board constituted by PCB for the purpose of Clinical assessment/Fitness due to his ongoing current ailment.
The Medical Board consists of following experts.
1. Professor Javed Raza Gardezi – Consultant Surgeon
2. Dr. Ijaz Hussain – Consultant Dermatologist
3. Dr. Riaz Ahmed – Sports Physician PCB
The Medical Board has reported that Shoaib Akhter was suffering from Genital Viral Warts and Electrofulgration was done on May 12, 2009. They further stated that his wound though healing needs further care and treatment for another minimum Ten days for the purpose of healing and to achieve skin cover. Medical Board further recommended his re-assessment after 10 days.
In accordance with the above program his re-assessment will be carried out on 1st week of June, 2009.In view of the above, PCB has requested ICC Technical Committee for the replacement
Shoaib may have thought that having his knob looked at by three different people was unnecessarily embarrassing, but having the PCB contact the world’s media with the details afterwards is a step further than that.
The PCB have called a press conference for Saturday, where they will put Shoaib on a pedestal in front of the cameras, drop his trousers and point at his bits.
Pakistan captain, Shoaib Malik, is fed up with waddly, disinterested purveyor of two-over spells, Shoaib Akhtar. “Everyone can see what is out there,” he said about everyone’s favourite one-time fast bowler.
Rumour has it that Malik has asked the selectors to replace Akhtar with a patch of slightly longer grass at fine leg in order to improve Pakistan’s performance in the field.
The hyper-extensible elbows, double joints, injuries and banned substance-taking couldn’t stop Shoaib Akhtar. Unfortunately, the one thing he’s never been able to protect himself against is his own idiocy.
Shoaib misses matches for a million reasons, the million-and-first reason, his mouth, is the biggest problem. If only someone could have grabbed him by the shoulders, shaken him and told him to shut the hell up. Maybe then everyone would rate him alongside Imran Khan and Wasim and Waqar. As it is, only Shoaib himself thinks he belongs in that pantheon.
After barely playing for years, getting banned for drug-taking and hitting Mohammad Asif with a bat, it was hardly surprising that Shoaib Akhtar didn’t get a Pakistan contract at the start of the year. Shoaib thought otherwise and called the Pakistan Cricket Board incompetent, which is true on the whole, but probably unfair in this instance.
The PCB promptly banned him for five years because he was supposedly in breach of the players’ code of conduct. Shoaib isn’t a Pakistan player, however, so this doesn’t really make any sense.
So Shoaib will appeal and doubtless the ban will be overturned, but he’ll still not turn out for Pakistan for some other reason. Osman Samiuddin sums it up best over at Cricinfo:
“It is not a drama anymore, just a series of pathetic jousts between an unruly fool and a succession of inept administrations.”
It’s increasingly difficult to gauge whether it’s even worth worrying about Shoaib Akhtar any more. He doesn’t appear often enough for us to know if he’s still any good or not. Pakistan’s coach, Geoff Lawson, says he was bowling at 93mph in the nets last week though, so maybe we are missing something.
It’s one of those big looming shadows that’s accompanied by a low octave minor chord. You know what that shadow and that chord means – it means trouble.
Apart from two Twenty20 internationals against Namibia, this was Shoaib Akhtar’s first international outing since January when he played a single Test match against South Africa. Before that, he’d played four one-day internationals in England back in the summer of 2006 and before that, his previous international was a Test against India in January 2006 – that’s getting on for two years ago. Shoaib Akhtar’s international appearances are not common.
Well you know what? He’s still better and more exciting than just about any other bowler in the world. Even if he is a complete pillock.
That might well prove to be his cricketing epitaph, actually: ‘Better and more exciting than just about any other bowler in the world, even if he was a complete pillock.’
He took 4-43 but South Africa took the series 3-2 after Pakistan’s lower order rather generously did the choking thing, saving South Africa the effort for once.
At least the recent news proves that Shoaib can still hold a bat. We were starting to wonder whether he was actually a cricketer at all or just some sort of soap opera character planted to raise the profile of the Pakistani national side.
We’ve included a picture of him as he appears in Brian Lara Cricket because that’s about the only place you’re ever likely to see him on a cricket field.
This latest incident, as far as we can make out, consists of Shoaib Akhtar twatting Mohammad Asif in the leg because Shahid Afridi called him names. Not sure why Mohammad Asif has to bear the brunt of this. We’re guessing he just felt left out of the drama and dived to take a blow on purpose.
One thing we are sure about is that the BBC’s headline is so fitting, you wonder why it’s never appeared before: “Pakistan tell Shoaib to ‘shut up'”