Which England batsman should get dropped

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< 1 minute read

Alastair Cook

Because he looks like the kind of person who eats sandwiches with a knife and fork.

Why not
Because Rob Key’s on the wrong continent.

Ian Bell

Because if international cricket were a cartoon where everyone were an animal, Ian Bell would be the excitable squirrel who doesn’t really accomplish anything.

Why not
Yes, why not. That was a rhetorical question, wasn’t it?

Paul Collingwood

Opposition bowlers seem to have caught on that he isn’t a member of the groundstaff shovelling soil around; he’s actually got a bat in his hand, not a spade.

Why not
Actually knows the value of his Test place and is pleasingly prone to fighting to retain it.


Mike Gatting wasn't receiving the King Cricket email when he dropped that ludicrously easy chance against India in 1993.


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  1. Get rid of the lot of them, I say, and jet a decent opening batsman out there pronto.

    Alternatively, open with Tim Ambrose and pretend to be ‘taking a ground-breaking and innovative approach’, pretend Adil Rashid is a top-class number three (no-one in the Windies will know who he is) or tell everyone that Graeme Swann is actually the new Tendulkar.

    Yes, those are all rubbish ideas, but they all seem as likely to get at least 52 runs in the second innings as any ideas which involve Ian Bell playing.

  2. Drop Cook and Bell, bring in Shah and Rashid. Send Flintoff in to open – you think you’re a batting all-rounder? Fucking prove it.

  3. I anticipate zero agreeance on this but…..

    Drop Collie, fly Key out to play at 3 and move Bell down to 5. I can’t get along with Shah since his early days of giving his wicket away (all be it in ODIs) more often with KP, except he would only have 5% of KP’s runs on the board. I’m especially thinking back to 2002-2005 period.

    Rashid in for Monty to beef up the tail a bit, too. If we have to bat Fred at 6 then we need a bit more further down.

    Bell has the talent, but should not be at 3. It’s like opening with Collie.

  4. I can’t take to this Bell at 5 idea, Benno. He’s a limp dick wherever he bats. The thought of him trying to marshall a rear guard action with the tail end brings me out in a cold sweat.
    Bell’s time will come again. I feel as though I’ve invested to much emotional energy defending him and he’s let me down. He needs weight of runs though, another 2004 season (1556 @67.65) would be good.

  5. I think Athers might have made a good call. Put Bell in to open, if his head’s right.
    If we had another batsman out there, I’d replace Colly as well. why we’ve got 3 spinners, is beyond me.

    I still want to smash Bell’s little head in, but it’s not a bad idea.


    If Sir Bobby was there, he’d be a shoe in at three.

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