Three reasons why Australia will more than likely collapse at the Waca

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Shaun Marsh thinks about what he owes (BT Sport)

Australia do like to collapse. Amid all the talk of conditions, bowling attacks and Steve Smith’s runsome proclivities, this is the one thing in favour of the tourists.

England like to collapse too, of course. They just have to hope that they do it less frequently – or at least less comprehensively – than their hosts.

Is there any reason to assume that this will be the case? Let’s take a look at some selective facts/prejudices.

It happens

Speaking earlier this year, Smith said that his team was collapsing something like four times in every five innings.

Okay, we can’t remember the exact frequency (unlike larger, more profitable websites, you have to do your own research for these articles). It was often though. Take our word for that.

Steve Smith is rattled

This is obvious because he said that England’s sledging only inspired him and made him more focused. When it was put to him that his wasn’t exactly an impartial view on the matter, he replied: “Oh no – even from an unbiased point of view.”

If someone says that being sledged really helped them, it seems safe to assume that it did the exact opposite. Particularly when they made an unbeaten hundred unsledged and 40 and six when sledged.

Shaun Marsh needs to repay his duck tax

Marsh was always going to make a hundred. That’s the upside of the pact you make when you select him. The downside is that you must then endure the protracted “oh wait, maybe he hasn’t cracked it” as the world rights itself again.

In summary

Look, England haven’t actually lost the Ashes yet, so we might as well wring what we can out of this series while it’s still technically live.

12 comments

  1. This is honestly the worst thing I have seen online. And I’m a subscriber to Anus Memes. Please end your fledging writing career immediately.

    1. Well we’ve been fledging full-time for about a decade now, so probably a bit late to nip that one in the bud.

      Also, where have you been? This isn’t even the worst thing we’ve written this week.

    2. Well thank god for that. Finally someone has had the courage to come out and say it. I’ve been floating around here for a decade, patiently waiting for the writing to improve, but nothing, not a sausage. Just competent will do, it doesn’t have to be hilarious or anything. The way things have been recently I’d take legible as a big leap forward.

    1. A buffet of actual human faces, replete with actual brain emotions—let us commence the toying-with.

  2. I had a dream last night that England were being thrashed in the third Test. This seems eerily prophetic, except that the only bit of play I was watching was England’s second innings and they were 400/1 after Cook had failed again. Though the commentators were castigating them for their utter failure in the match and their inevitable defeat, so I can only surmise that the first innings did not (will not?) go exactly to plan.

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