What does your job have in common with playing for the Mumbai Indians in the IPL?

Nita Ambani (via YouTube)

Yesterday we mentioned our grim office job at a company that was dying on its arse. It later occurred to us that Cricket Fever, the Netflix documentary about the Mumbai Indians, might be the reason why this particular slice of our working life had resurfaced uninvited in the ooze of our consciousness.

You wouldn’t think that over-pressured underpaid work in a tinpot digital marketing firm would have much in common with being a cricketing superstar, but let us assure you right now, it absolutely does. The reason is Nita Ambani.

Who are you again?

Tinpot web marketing firms have one major thing in common with soulless T20 franchises and that thing is eye-wateringly high staff turnover.

There are two main effects of this.

  1. No-one really gives a flying full toss about their employer
  2. Those in charge make extraordinary efforts to try and force their staff to care

A famously great way to fail to make people care about the team/firm that they work for is through team-building exercises.

Team-building

At our tinpot web marketing firm, team-building mostly involved heavy drinking. This doesn’t immediately sound so bad until you recall that we said it was a “sales-led company” with a “sales-led” culture. Heavy drinking basically just meant that eventually the police arrived because somebody or other had been accused of a sexual offence. (This one time every single member of our department decided that they didn’t want to go to a Friday afternoon party thing that had been organised to try and build morale and we all got into tremendous trouble for it. Ain’t no party like a mandatory party.)

At the Mumbai Indians, team-building exercises are considerably less sordid, but no less excruciatingly awkward.

In Cricket Fever, they have a treasure hunt around the Ambani home, while in a recent YouTube video, they play table tennis…

… play football…

… and do something-or-other with sticks.

But the real reason why the Mumbai Indians documentary reminds us of our time working for a tinpot web marketing company is because (a) there is an awful lot of losing and (b) every time that you lose, someone with a huge financial interest gives an earth-shatteringly dull and empty and long-winded speech and steals part of your life from you.

You know, this kind of thing.

This happens A LOT in Cricket Fever and having just trawled through the Mumbai Indians’ YouTube feed, it looks like there would have been plenty of pep talk footage on the cutting room floor too. You wonder how they find the time to practise cricket.

“Okay, gather round everybody. I just want to say a few words.”

It’s usually Nita. She says things like, “I don’t think there is a word called ‘impossible’ in the language of the Mumbai Indians,” and she talks about the franchise’s legacy, and what it stands for, and how they’re all a family.

Most of all she just goes on and on and on. They’re speeches with no direction, no point, and you just have to sit there and listen to her as she eats away more and more of the short and precious time you have on this Earth.

In one recent video, she says the man of the match award, “belongs to each and every one of you. All of y’all who played and all of y’all who watched the match.”

Imagine being Jasprit Bumrah listening to that shit. You’ve just taken 3-20 off four overs. You’re the actual man of the match and Nita Ambani swans in and says you have to share the award with Pankaj Jaiswal because he did a really good job of watching.

Unreal.

In another video, Nita hands out “badges of honour” and Yuvraj Singh – Yuvraj Singh, a man who’s won the actual World Cup – has to go and collect one of them.

And then. And then! He has to “say a word” about being the guy who had to go and collect a badge. Model professional that he is, Yuvraj phones it in. He says the team has to “take the positives” and that “it’s important to be together and be positive.”

Then everyone claps him while Kieron Pollard looks bored and checks his phone.


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12 Appeals

  1. That’s a lot of cringe packed into one post KC. Good job.

  2. How my heart bleeds for those poor millions-earning cricket players. Bet they wish they were playing in the County Championship instead.

  3. I’m surprised Nita even bothers. That’s her polite – speak for ‘I’m paying you millions, win goddammit.’

    P. S. A digital marketing firm is not a good analogy because 1. They are the worst for reasons you mentioned, and then some 2. Super low barriers to entry, which most IPL teams do not have.

    P. P. S. A team building exercise at a digital marketing firm I was involved with included 3 10-over games of good intensity over 1 evening which was great fun, so there’s that.

    • I used to work in a big firm of accountants who will remain nameless (suffice to say they were heavily implicated and subsequently sued out of existence following the Enron scandal.) Our divisional partner’s idea of a good team building exercise was to fill the boardroom with alcohol every Friday, get everyone “on it” before shouting abuse at the rest of the team in the name of “banter”. As a skint 20 something year old it was a small price to pay for a free afternoon of booze. He was also an Aussie and as a keen cricketer used to organise (boozy) matches with law firms and banks.

      Looking back, your report has rekindled some good memories.

  4. This whole thing made me shudder. Many years ago I was on the verge of being embedded within a respectable career testing examination papers. My line manager loved team building scenarios and thought that walking around in socks made him more approachable. I quit the day I was promoted.

  5. Not related to the post, but here’s a thing that readers may be interested in: https://www.rightmove.co.uk/news/articles/dream-properties/inside-paul-collingwood-country-home-northumberland

    Apparently “In many ways, the house reflects the batting style of Collingwood, who had a tantalising number of shots up his sleeve at any given moment. This property is also full of many intriguing surprises.”

    Tantalising shots? Collingwood?

  6. All the same, it feels churlish to slate a team whose playing XI today features no fewer than five mirth-inducing names:

    Siddhesh Lad (any relation to our own Ged?)
    Q. de Kock
    Hardik Pandya
    J. Bumrah
    Ishan Kishan

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