Matthew Hayden back for Australia

This is good news, because when he’s not playing he can’t fail and humiliate himself. We don’t think it’s any coincidence that he skived the match where India’s bowlers remembered how to swing the ball. Surprisingly, this is the first time our twin obsessions have appeared on the same day.

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England v Australia

We heard that England were playing Australia yesterday, but we didn’t pay any attention. We’re not going to bother checking, but it’s pretty safe to assume that England won handsomely. Comments to the contrary will be vigorously deleted. Yes, you can delete something ‘vigorously’ – but only when that something

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