Sarah Comma Canterbury sent us these, ‘hot off the camera card’.
Ian Botham could learn a hell of a lot from this:
Where Botham removed his helmet and opted for a low-visibility tabard, Rob Key has got everything right.
Rob Key is better than Ian Botham in every conceivable way. Can Rob do anything wrong?
The answer is yes.
That is totally inappropriate footwear for a building site. What if someone were to drop a piece of scaffolding on his foot?
No, Monty! Say it hasn’t come to this.
In a desperate bid to advance his case for England inclusion, Monty Panesar has been reduced to tampering with scoreboards.
2-20 sounds so much better than 2-120.
Not Michael Vaughan style painting. DIY style painting. We all know how rubbish cricketers are when it comes to DIY.
Andrew Strauss probably gets a man in to load the next toilet roll.
He doesn’t even know which way he’s supposed to face.
At least he’s pointing the brush the right way though.
Someone rotate that man through 180 degrees and tell him to carry on.
First Ravi Bopara and Charlotte Edwards, now Ashley Giles. Is the King of Spain any better at DIY than those two charlatans?
You don’t need to know much about plastering to know that Giles isn’t up to the task. Look at his pristine sportswear.
What do plasterers look like? They look like the spattered guy standing next to the one-time England spin bowler. The defining characteristic of a plasterer is that they look like they’ve been shat on.
Surely this won’t help.
If Panesar’s in the slips then this is beneath back garden standard.
Maybe it’s all the seasonal ales that we knocked back over the weekend, but we’ve lost a bit of enthusiasm this week. Christmas beers are always about three times as strong as normal beer – presumably because you need to be completely leathered to endure the festive period.
So, because we can’t be arsed and because most of you hate everything we write anyway, here’s a picture of Freddie in some socks instead.
Some celebrities have designed some socks and they’re being sold with the proceeds going to various charities. Not sure how these things work, but we might be obliged to say they’re being sold by MandMDirect.
We’ve never heard of them before, but the name MandMDirect needs some bloody spaces in it. We don’t care if it’s a web address as well, when did it become okay to do away with spaces? It’s not okay. Ask Pen Island or Experts Exchange if you don’t believe us.
On that subject, therapistfinder.com seems like a genuine website.
You’re an England player. You’ve won the Ashes. You get in touch with your agent:
“Commercial opportunities. What have you got for me?”
Your agent’s silent a minute and you can hear him shuffling some papers on his desk.
“Hello. Are you there? Commercial opportunities. What have you got?”
Your agent clears his throat and says: “Er… belts?”
Matt Prior clearly did some DAMN GOOD WORK on this photo shoot, but Stuart Broad seems to be a rank amateur, so they made him say some stuff as well:
“I absolutely love the Druh Belts range and the colours are just amazing. They’re perfect to wear on a casual night out with jeans or with chinos and a jacket for a more formal look that is just a bit different.”
Everyone loves chino-friendly belts.
There isn’t one part of this advert that isn’t amazing. It is the world’s first 100% amazing advert.
The slogan’s baffling and surreal and amazing. The picture’s less baffling, but still surreal and amazing. Even the boast ‘SA’s #1 Hand Tool Brand’ is amazing, because just how hotly contested is that title?
Ceci sent this majestic thing in.
“This is an advert from a South African cricket mag. It’s entirely un-photoshopped and is utterly mysterious. Why is Kallis looking so keen and eager? Is sheep burying his hobby, or is it – like Steyn’s crocodile wrestling – the mark of a Saffer man; the number of sheep he can bury in an hour?”
Webco Tools’ website doesn’t quite live up to this promise, but it’s still pretty amazing. They know their target market, as proven by their use of images such as the one on the right.
Bet you’d like to bury sheep with her, eh?
This is the quite unbelievable watch that Kevin Pietersen wears.
You’ll never have seen him wearing it, because he doesn’t wear it when he does what he’s good at (cricket). He wears it when he’s being a normal person who’s in no way exceptional.
This is a watch for when talented people are being rubbish like the rest of us. It’s the timepiece equivalent of Clark Kent’s glasses. This watch is the very symbol of adopted mediocrity.
However, at least it is ‘fuelled by light’.
“Its revolutionary Eco-Drive technology harnesses the power of light and converts it into energy which is stored in a permanently rechargeable battery. It recharges continuously in any kind of light to run forever. Put simply, a watch that never needs a battery – simply unstoppable, like KP.”
Or alternatively: It’s solar powered.